so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
In anticipation of No Judgement Tuesday, I believe a Can We LOL At What We Did Last Night Saturday is in order
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I feel like you're encouraging me to commit a felony.
I feel like you're wasting time.
Randomize
