"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Randomize
