When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I supernannyed him into submission
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
