Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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