My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
