This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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