She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Randomize
