I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
It has moved into the cliche "thin line between love and hate" real quick. With her. Not Taco Bell.
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
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