oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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