she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
