im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
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