sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
