Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
sitting in class between the roommates of the two girls i fucked over break. this feels like a bad version of wife swap
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
