need another drink. this is the easiest way
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Randomize
