I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
He looks like he has a penis
What the fuck
A good one, a good penis
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
