I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
Randomize
