Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
He's on the porch naked. Help.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
Randomize
