My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
