I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
