you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Oh god it's open bar.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Randomize
