Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
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