i jus seen this fat chick walk buy look like she had don king coming out her arm pits..
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score onr for mom.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
