Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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