he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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