The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
