he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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