Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
