Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
Was just grinding with my bio TA. She asked why i wasnt studying
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
