I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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