Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
