Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
