Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
