Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
ew. I made a sandwich, and the cheese reminded me of her vagina
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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