Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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