Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
