Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
He promised he'd be the first bidder on my ebay item if i went home with him. Worth it.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
50% drunk capacity currently
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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