If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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