Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Someone came in the potted fern
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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