the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Just got back to the apartment. Why os there now 14 identical toothbrushes in the bathroom and only the two of us live here?
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
Randomize
