I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Randomize
