so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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