I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
You should frame my arrest warrant.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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