So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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