Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
