i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
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