My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
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