I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
