I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Randomize
