wanna go halves on a baby?
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
