Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
there is glitter all over my balls
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
