apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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