I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
You made out with two different species that night
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
