Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
