She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
