they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
Sorry my hands just texted you
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize
