You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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