Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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