Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
this hospital has no fireball
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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